Can I have it all?
I have had so many things on my mind, and I feel like my life can go in so many directions right now. I’m not certain where to start or what decision to make. I wasn’t even sure where to begin this entry.
Sambar - Birthday 32
Let me say that my birthday and Halloween were both awesome this year–pictures coming to Flickr soon. I am constantly grateful for the people who populate my life – my friends – new and old who shared in my birthday celebration(!), my family, my colleagues both at work and at the organization where I am on the Board of Directors. It feels like so often I am reminded by these people the value that I have in their lives and that they have in mine. While outwardly looking in that may sound like an arrogant or narcissistic thing to say, ask yourself how many times you wonder how valuable you are to someone, to your workplace, to your organizations – how rarely people actually make it known what you mean to them. It isn’t every day that we’re reminded, and I am grateful when I am reminded. And while I have grumpy days here and there, I wake daily and find something or someone to be grateful for,and I usually note it in journal each morning.
Last Sunday, I ended my relationship. I know…one more good guy down,as some people have said. But the truth is that when I looked at what I wanted and where my attention is focused, he wasn’t really in the picture with me. My sister has been chiding me for days about this–to the point that it’s starting to piss me off. Between my sister and my mom (who is telling me that just maybe I’m meant to be single), I just want to yell, WHAT ABOUT WHAT’S BEST FOR ME? What about what I want? Why can’t you support what I want and need rather than guilt tripping me into staying with someone just because you set him up with me and you feel bad for him? I did what was best for both of us, in a respectful way.
I consider myself fairly disciplined. I don’t like to be told what to do, but I like structure, and I just need the basic information (as little as possible) to get a project started. I create structure for myself, and I am, probably outrageously, organized. In that relationship, I felt a significant loss of structure in my life and the bones of my future felt a bit weak. I realize this clashes with the outrageously grateful post I made about his loyalty last week. But, again, it just wasn’t working for my current needs and focus.
Last night, our Board president approached me after our committee meeting and asked if I’d put thought into taking a position on the Board’s executive committee (secretary, treasurer, VP, pres). I said that I hadn’t really thought much about it. She mentioned how organized I am, and our Board will be having some shifts in Board directors (leaving) soon due to terms ending. The responsibility will be a great stepping stone, complimenting my daily job for sure. But do I want more responsibility? Do I want more commitment? Do I want to build the structure in areas it’s lacking? I’m not sure.
I’ve been craving structure, lately…even more structure and organization than is normal for me. I am fairly certain that it’s because I’ve felt caught up in a whirlwind since September, a lack of control or feeling in control. It is the cause of the weakening bones. There are so many things that I want to do–all of them I know I can do. It’s a matter of timing or money or location – or all of the above. But, I’m driven on some level; motivated, curious, ambitious, passionate. I make things happen. So why can’t I figure this out?
I still want to have a baby, and I’m seriously thinking about trying again with the donor. I’m really not all that excited about having a baby with a partner, as practical as that would be or as romantic as it sounds. I feel more anxiety with the thought of having a child with a partner than at peace with it. Perhaps I haven’t met the right guy?
What are all these other things I muse over experiencing and learning?
- Once my surgery is over and recovery is complete next spring, I definitely still plan to go into yoga teacher training and increase my partner yoga skills as well.
- I have been looking at MFA programs in creative writing, because that is where my heart is; and I’ve been planning a MAEd. in community-based counseling, because that is where I see a more pragmatic career direction. I’m passionate about both. I’d like to get out of academics and HR.
- One side of me feels like it would be nice to be settled down with the ideals I craved for so many years–to and fro work everyday, home to my husband or partner, out with friends on the weekend, press projects, writing projects, small home projects here and there… But, is that living life? What about continuing to learn and grow, working with people, educating women and youth, making an impact in my community? What about sharing my knowledge and being a mentor and enriching my yoga practice? Can I do it all? Can I have it all?
- I still really want to be a mom–a Choice Mom. I think experiencing that early miscarriage in September followed unexpected news really put me over the edge. I feel excited and happy for my friends who have had very recent, successful pregnancies just since I started this journey in May (MeAndBaby, Genkicat, Billy, Meg over at Sweet Baby Dreams, and Amy and Melissa). You all inspire me as women, and I have to admit that reading about your journeys daily (as horrible as I’ve been about commenting) is encouraging. I might not have had, so far, the hardships or struggles that you have in getting where you are–I’ve only had one IUI and one lost embryo in this journey, but I do appreciate your experiences, that you share them, and the immense joys you must all feel at this moment in your lives. And I’m so excited to watch you all become mothers. I’m hoping that I’ll be there soon, too.
Namaste!
I constantly need to remind myself that autumn is already here. Some days, I remind myself that it’s not almost summer. The weather in September was certainly warmer than it was in June, when I was still wearing a pillowy down vest over long, cotton sleeves. I feel thankful to have any warmer temperatures, especially as frost will begin to develop on the windows of my car soon, and I’ll be out buying a woolen winter jacket in the next couple of weeks. The summer flew by despite the cool, and I don’t feel I took advantage of it like I did the last couple of years. But, I hope that through some chilly, seasonal photography in the coming months, I can slow down this autumn and winter and make up for my fast-paced summer.
There are so many new changes and stabilizing opportunities that have begun for me, I felt it was time to have a renewing, home-base blog. I hope this will remind me to reflect and focus on the slowing down of life—of living, of eating, of smelling, of loving, of being, of taking in all the senses with complete awareness. This fall, I will start yoga again regularly to awaken my muscles and joints and spirit and energy flow. I am preparing to move in a few short months into a home where I can cook warm, filling meals, read quietly with peppermint tea, sink and into my bed for restful nights of sleep, engage and host friends and loved ones, and offer the cat her own delightful refuge and wonder. I will be accelerating into one career and learning about another. And, I hope, I will have a significant cushion of time and space and love to share these things with someone special and new in my life.
Times are rough right now—politically, economically, morally…. But with increased awareness, optimism, building friendships and creating alliances, the coming winter will transition quickly and smoothly into a beautiful, fresh new spring—not only in nature, but in work, at home, and nationally. I’m feeling excited and beautiful.
